I’m so tired of
Spilling out poetry
About being broken
I have enough bandages
To build me a rope up to heaven
(Or maybe even down to hell)
Perhaps they’re culminating
In the center of my chest
That would explain the
Weight of an anvil
That can’t be shaken
I’ve got a diagnosis
For that reason why
I’ve been leaving class every day
For two grueling weeks
I’ve got meds that don’t work
And confidential conversations
And a few scabs on my leg
From when I decided
To play with scissors
I’ve got a sadness towards myself
That I can’t expel
It’s an assailant in the night
Coming and going
Impossible to trace
No one understands it
I don’t understand it
I just want it to stop.
I want to disappear
Into a book
Or a journal page
And leave behind
The inexplicable tears
I’m tired of feeling weak
When everyone is telling me
How strong I am
And feeling ugly
When people tell me
That they think I’m beautiful
And not wanting to talk
When everyone is
By my side, lending an ear
Most of all, though
I just hate feeling tired.
Just a little poem based on inner ramblings...
For critique from a member of Original-Lit: you have done a great job there. You have perfectly described the way a teenager feels and the imagery is excelent. The way you write is powerful, simple yet empowered by the great use of symbolisms throughout the entire poem. I have to say that this piece of work is absolutely amazing, able to touch the human heart.
You explained the feeling of being tired of being tired quite well! I'm not a professional writer, but I think you should play with the lines a little. Maybe shortening or lengthening some will add emphasis. Also, try not to repeat the first words of the lines/sentences too much, unless it's meant to be there for emphasis, of course. It feels somewhat prose-like, though my poems are like that, too. Remember that poems can be more abstract, and the grammar doesn't always have to be correct. Your diction or choice of words is pretty strong, so I think that's your best thing. It helps describe what you're trying to say very well. By introducing the idea at the beginning and closing the poem with it, the poem is strongly bound together. Overall, it's pretty good, especially for "inner ramblings." Keep up the good work! I hope you don't take my criticism the wrong way, either; I'm just trying to help.
Thank you so much for the critique! I really appreciate the detail you went into here. ^_^ It'll help a lot in the future.
Also, I'm not usually this prose-y in my poems but when it's a really personal poem, I tend to lose my typical structure and have at it. Thanks!
I know the feeling. I don't understand it- I just can't ever get enough sleep. Perhaps all my anxiety is interfering with the refreshing effect of sleeping. The part about feeling ugly and weak, I get that too. No matter what people tell me I am skeptical. Well. I guess what I am trying to say is that your poem is very relatable. Good work!
Anxiety is a hard thing to deal with, I completely understand (though mine actually makes me want to sleep more, and I'm the type who doesn't need much sleep). Just hang in there, it'll be okay. And thank you very much
For a poem based on inner ramblings this is exceptional. Feeling tired is a constant thorn in my side and this sums up that frustration perfectly. Exquisite work.
Inner ramblings make for good poetry though, and the imagery is great again.
The second-to-last verse is me exactly.
Thank you I'm glad that you like it.
Haha, I honestly just didn't know what to put in the description. xD
I love this
Wow, this is amazing. Such powerful words here :0 . I run a poetry blog, and It would be so cool to have this piece entered. Please go check it out and let me know.
Your DA links and info would be shared on there as well as any additional website that this piece is on. Please think about itYou can submit your work though the submission mailbox that is on the top right of the blog
Thanks Also, am I required to join your site in order to submit my work? It's no problem, I'm just wondering.
this makes me reminiscent of my own struggles. it's very well expressed, very well written.
This is great ^^ i love how relatable it is, and I love how everything you say is so raw, since there's really no use in sugar-coating it--
To play with scissors"
"And a few scabs on my legFrom when I decided
To play with scissors"
That's probably my favorite part, since it's really so raw, right along with the bandages metaphor.
If I can suggest something though, if you used punctuation, i feel like it would flow better.
Really though, great job!!
Thank you so much! I'm glad that you like it (although it sucks that you can relate... crappy stuff to relate to). I agree with your critique, I was thinking about that after I put it on here... I'm too tired to mess with it now but I might later. Anyway, thanks
This is a wonderful poem. Very nicely composed. I like the part about the bandages. Very nice indeed